Burn
by Chocolate Psycho
Summary: My 1st one. Sirius thoughts in Azkaban. Implied SBXRL... it came to mi mynd while listening to burn, by the cure


Shadows spoke to him every day. Or they would have done if there was any days on his life. Truth was, he could no longer remember the daylight. There were only nights, endless, dark, terrible nights.

Even lonlyness would have been better. But he wasn't alone, oh no, shadows were always there, avidly trying to turn him mad. If they hadn't already. He rarely bared conjuring any happy thought, so scared he was shadows would instantly robe him of it, and tear the memory apart, so he couldn't have it ever again.

Shadows raped all images of comfort, friendship and love that came into his mind, and he, desperately trying to retain them, sent them all to the farthest corner of his brain, hoping they could never come, but remain hidden, so they would be protected.

He still kept the count of the days. No that it mattered, for he would most probably stay trapped in shadows for the rest of his life. But he was still counting days and months, feeling even more drown everytime he knew there was a full moon and he wasn't allowed to see it. Every time he realized that someone else, the person he most loved on earth, was watching at the round moon. He could barely resist the thought of his beloved one glancing at the full moon, his pupils dilatating in horrible pain, his limbs benting as if they were about to break, his skin transfixing, his spine curling, his whole body being torn apart to form a new one, as he had so many times watched before.

But overall, he wasn't able to stand the feeling of emptiness that filled him every time he imagined the werewolf crawling in confussion and sadness at finding himself alone, taking all the pain by himself, hurting, scratching and biting his own body when he realized his companions were no longer with him. That He was no longer with him.

It was all his fault Moony was going trough it all alone.

If he hadn't mistaken, if he hadn't mistrusted him, everything would be allright. They would be together, running through some forest, playing games only the two of them understood, games only canines could enjoy.

The shadows couldn't take the guilt from him, nor the image of a suffering moony, since it wasn´t a happy thought at all, so he held to it with all his remaining strength, not letting go, and so he had achived to stay consient without going insane.

Still, the shadows kept speaking. "Don't look, don't look", they said, whispering him away from the thoughts of his so lonlely lover.

He felt a silver knife stabbing him rigth in the heart, in the soul, everytime he thought of how much Moony surely hated him. His every cell ached when he remembered Moony thought him a murderer, a traitor.

Would Moony ever forgive him?

He doubted it. Still, knowing he was currently hated, he loved him. And he would always, just the way he had promised

The shadows couldn't take the love away either, though they wouldn't cease trying.

"Oh, don't talke of love" the shadows purred, murmuring him away from his lover. "The end is all that's ever true. There's nothing you can ever say. Nothing you can ever do... "

He knew that was true. He would never get out.

But still, a hope, hidden deep beneath his ripped heart, kept lit. Still everynight, he burned, everynight he called his mate's name. And it was always night.

He fell over and over again, still burning, still loving, still crawling, still dying, still waiting for his only friend. Waiting for the world to end.

There were moments the shadows allowed him to think straight. He took those moments to feel regret, wishing he could die.

Then he remembered why he hadn't given up yet. The real traitor had to pay for it all.

The amount and size of his loathing for that bloody traitor could only compare to the amount and size of love he felt towards Moony. Which meant his hatrery knew no limits, he was thirsty for revenge. He longed to see pain on the rat's face. He had sold them. He had sold James and his family, he had caused his Moony to be alone. In such toughts however, he could feel regret overcoming him again, remainding him that if he just hadn't mistrusted Moony...

...Moony did not deserve to be mistrusted. How could he?

He had been always there for him. He could almost feel Moony's delicate white hand touching his, then holding it tight as if trying to pass him his strength each time he felt sad...

But at those thoughts the shadows would instantly come back. They smiled, slipping him away from his frind, his lover, his life. "Oh it doesn't matter how you hide...Find you if we're wanting to. So slide back down and close your eyes. Sleep a while, you must be tired... "

He didn't sleep. Ever.

Every night he burned, calling his lover's name. He still burned, falling again. He kept srcreaming the animal, canine scream that they had so long ago it seemed, shared. Every night he bruned...


End file.
